"Real Talk Wedlock: Love in the Midst of Quarantine" S1 Ep22

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It has often been said that marriage has a 50% chance of success.

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Recent statistics show that both marriage rates and divorce rates in the U.S. are decreasing.

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But is this a good trend?

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C.S. Lewis is quoted as saying,

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Love is not merely a feeling.

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It is a deep unity maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit,

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reinforced by the grace which both partners receive from God.

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And it's on this love that the engine of marriage is run.

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In this episode of Keep It 100,

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we will run with the core values that have cultivated our connection

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and it's spicy when things go bland.

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What's up, Keep It 100 Tribe?

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This is Daniel from Toronto, Canada,

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and I got a message for you real quick.

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Don't wait until the end of this podcast to subscribe.

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My metrics from Spotify came in,

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and the hottest pod, Ghosts of None Other, then Keep It 100 with Sean and Christa Smith.

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Hey everybody, welcome to another sit down with Sean and Christa Smith.

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Thank you for joining us,

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and we are so excited about this really fun segment.

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We can promise you we're going to have a blast today.

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You know, Sean, isn't it crazy that we're already at the end of 2020?

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Yes, and this year has gone so slow and so fast at the same time.

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It is so true.

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I feel like literally we are already here at the end.

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I'm like, wait, what?

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And then there are moments that felt like the days were so long.

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It's been the weirdest year of my life, right?

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For all of us.

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This has just been so bizarre.

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Facts.

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The fact we're still in this as we're wrapping up 2020 is like,

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I really didn't see this coming.

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I just have to be honest.

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And it really does feel like there are moments when it was like snail pace slow,

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and other times when it was like Usain Bolt in the Olympics for Jamaica Fast.

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Oh my goodness.

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I tell you what, it's so true.

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Well, I want to dive in today because we're talking about probably one of my favorite

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topics and it's the topic of marriage.

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Yep.

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Real talk, wedlock here.

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We're talking about marriage.

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And it's funny because I read this article, Christa, and it's the oddest museum I've ever

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heard of.

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And keep it 100 tribe.

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I believe it will be the oddest museum you've ever heard of.

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Okay, I'm ready.

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In the Croatia capital city of Zagreb, it is the home for an unusual museum.

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This article describes it is the museum of failed relationships.

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That's what the whole museum is about.

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That's what it's about.

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That's hilarious.

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It was founded by two Zagreb artists after the end of their romantic relationships.

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Perrin laughed about Senegal Museum to showcase their many shared objects that now hold complicated

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memories.

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And then after a while, I began to catch on.

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This is real odd, right?

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Oh my gosh.

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Right.

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They started collecting items from friends and visitors to their growing number of gallery

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exhibits that soon had over a thousand items each with a story on their hands.

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What?

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Yeah, you want to hear what some of the collection.

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The collection includes a shiny new axe used to splinter the furniture of an ex-lover one

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item per day.

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That is hilarious.

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Another item they had a pink fur covered handcuffs with no description given nor needed.

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Hello, somebody.

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We don't need that description.

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Nope.

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And they had a scarred, partially crushed lawn gnome that was hurled at the car of a

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departing husband.

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Oh my gosh.

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Okay, so time out.

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I got to really track with this because I want to make sure I'm catching this and definitely

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are keeping 100 tribe or catches.

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So we have two people that had a relationship, two artists.

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They, it sounds like they did it for quite a few years.

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They break up and they're laughing about the fact that they could create a museum with all

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the sentimental things, kind of the objects that they shared in their relationship.

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And the trend caught on that people started donating to the museum from all the objects

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from their broken relationships.

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Yep.

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That is so funny.

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So the museum is dedicated to all the objects of failed relationships.

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Can you imagine?

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Like you're the museum guide and you go, that crowbar right there was used to break my ex-lover's

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windshield.

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I love the gnome.

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The half broken gnome has to be possibly my favorite that it was hurled at the car of

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a departing husband.

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Oh my gosh.

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That's hilarious.

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You have this feeling that during this time of quarantine, either now when we get out of

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it, there might be a whole bunch of new artifacts added.

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Right.

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But hopefully you're coming out of this season with no artifacts to add to this museum.

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That would be the goal.

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But the struggle is real.

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Oh yeah.

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It, you know, it is real.

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And that's actually why Sean, you know this, we're talking about this today, because recently

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we've had a lot of conversations with married couples all over the nation that have contacted

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us, people that we're in relationship with, and they are just going through really real

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hard times.

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And there's just difficulty in the moment that we're in in history.

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And because we're in such difficult time, you know, they're just wanting an outside

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perspective.

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People they, they know people they have a relationship with like us and they're saying,

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how do we navigate this stuff?

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And so, you know, it's really caught our attention of so many people in struggles.

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And we're, you and I, we started kind of talking about it.

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And we were kind of agreeing that social distancing and staying home really are the

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keys to reducing transmission of COVID.

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But they've caused a lot of disruption and disunity in couples and family routines.

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And, you know, this quarantine, because it's been such a pressure cooker, it's exposed cracks

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in people's relationships.

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And the tension created by this, it's been a forced isolation on couples and families.

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It's caused a very real tension and very real struggle for a lot of people because,

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you know, rising tensions is really normal.

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It's kind of par for the course in the midst of, you know, forced isolation.

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So true.

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But because so many families and couples routines have been upended, you know, their work

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looks different, school looks different.

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They can't go to the gym, they can't travel, all their weekend previous engagements don't

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exist.

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You know, it's like life as we knew it is no longer.

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And in that, people are kind of looking at what's my new normal and they're finding

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themselves always with the same people with no diversion from that.

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There's very little diversion, which has caused a lot of issues.

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That's true.

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Also on the trend, tragically, is even domestic violence has worsened amidst COVID and quarantine.

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I was even reading an article where now they even have a national day calling attention

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of trying to reduce or domestic violence awareness against women that have taken place.

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And the truth be told, without the buffer of our routines and our sometimes over scheduled

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lives, previously existing issues got out of hand, out of proportion.

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Fuses are shorter now.

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People are stuck together longer and with more stress.

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And I was also reading this other article, Christa, that family law experts predict a spike

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in divorce filings after the quarantine ends.

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And they're making this prediction based on China's a little bit ahead of us in the

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quarantine.

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And when their quarantine ended in China, they saw a spike in divorce filing.

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So they're predicting that for the United States of America.

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But I just want to say to our Keep It 100 tribe, don't draw any conclusions during this time

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and don't make any big decisions, especially not before listening to the rest of these

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five weeks.

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Come on.

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And we just want you to know this episode is going to be filled with practical tools on how to

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really go after a marriage that is satisfying and fulfilling because we're going to share

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some hard stuff today.

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We're going to share, we've shared some hard stats and you could go, wow, that's really

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like depressing to Sean and Christa.

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We want you to know, don't be swayed by stats.

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We simply bring up data and research because Sean and I love data and research in the sense

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of it gives a gauge over what's the struggle right now.

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It simply gives like a portion of what's a reality of a trend right now.

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But we want to declare over you as a listener, it's not going to be your trend.

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This is not going to be your reality.

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We're going to give you some really practical things that we believe are going to help you

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today.

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Another article and it's very interesting because we're talking about keeping your love

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amidst a quarantine.

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Yeah.

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They had this article about how long it takes for romance chemicals to dissipate,

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which is interesting because they say a lot of marriages begin to hit problems after year

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one and especially after year two.

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So anyway, these scientists who are researchers at the University of Pavia,

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they studied the brain chemistry of the newly love struck and they found that there are certain

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chemicals that are elevated.

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Get this when the love is new.

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Wow.

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So they found that this NGF, they're calling it nerve growth factor was hiring people who

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reported just falling in love when compared to a single person or to those in long term

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relationships.

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And they studied that after about a year, the subjects NGF again, nerve growth factor

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levels fell back to normal and then they found that after the first years of wedded bliss,

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some discontentment began to surface and a poll of 5,000 married couples found that men

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and women began to take their marriage for granted after two years.

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Okay.

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Wait.

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So let me again, I'm the break it down person.

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I'm like, okay, let me understand what you just, because what you just said is actually

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powerful, but I don't want anyone to miss it.

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So, you know, the first year of someone falling in love that, that bubble, that bliss that

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you fork feeling of like new, new love and that feeling that we all love, right?

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And then it begins to go back to normal after a year.

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You actually have a chemical in your brain.

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That's right.

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That actually is you fork it's elevated when it's new and after a year, your brain actually

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goes what it's called back to normal.

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And when people view that after a year sensation, they're viewing it as like, oh, I'm not really

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in love with that person anymore.

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When actually it's just matured.

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That's right.

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Your love is mature.

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Right.

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You're, you haven't, you haven't lost it.

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You've lost a love.

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It's just matured.

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It's gone from that you fork, puppy love, newness, honeymoon to actually, I'm, this

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is my normal.

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I've actually settled into this relationship.

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It's actually safe because there is you fork and yes, that's fun, but there's a maturity

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and a vulnerability that comes in the safety of that relationship.

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That's right.

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Because love can't be based on a chemical.

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It must be based on a choice.

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Ooh, say that.

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I love that.

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You know, just to keep kind of adding to some interesting data that we discovered, you know,

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they took a recent poll of couples in quarantine and only 18% reported that they're satisfied

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with the communication during this quarantine time.

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That means 82% are not satisfied with the communication and their marriage at this time.

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Wow.

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I mean, that's, that's staggering.

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That's alarming.

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That is so alarming.

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And another alarming statistic is all those 25% of married couples are spending 35 plus

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hours together, which means a minimum of 35 hours together, which is more than normal because

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people aren't going to work that are, they're working from home together.

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Only 29% reported satisfaction with the amount of quality time they spend together.

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Now, isn't that interesting?

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Very interesting.

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Because I think what people have to understand is just because you're in proxy with someone,

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doesn't mean you're connecting with them.

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And I know that firsthand because I'm a quality time person.

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That's your love language.

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And we had to discover that in our marriage because we're traveling together, we're doing

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ministry together, we're flying across the country together and sitting next to each other for a

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six hour flight.

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And we would laugh because you would, I'd feel like I would say to you after a flight or after a

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ministry trip, we've spent the entire weekend together and you know this, we're already laughing.

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I would be like, I just feel like we haven't spent any time together.

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And it's true.

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And that was very puzzling to me because I'm like, hey, we just spent all this ministry time,

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we're together on a flight the entire way.

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And then I began to realize kind of the importance of quality time doesn't just mean we're sitting

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next to each other, but that there is an intentional, non-distracted place where we're giving each

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other our hearts and our communication and our love.

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And I began to learn you helped me out with that.

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Ah, well, you're an amazing listener and you, you know, you lean into me and you're willing

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to learn, right?

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But I had to learn that you guys, you know, to all our listeners.

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I had to learn that I was, you know, I'm saying this to my husband.

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I'm like, why, I know in the natural, I know that we're spending all this time together,

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but why am I, why am I not feeling connected?

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And I realized just doing stuff with him for ministry, I love it.

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And it does bond us and it's amazing and I wouldn't want to share it with anyone else.

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But as a wife and as a woman, I want my husband to connect with me on an emotional level.

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I want to have conversations about what's on my heart.

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I want to process things with him.

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I want to cuddle with him.

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I want to just spend just uninterrupted time where I don't have to share him with the world

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or with the pulpit.

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I just get Sean all to myself.

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That's my quality time.

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And I just, I get a part of him that no one else gets and that's what I'm craving.

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And I want him to have that part of me that no one else gets, right?

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That's that quality time.

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And that, that quality time really does begin to fortify a love during a season like this.

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It sure does.

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Hey, keep it 100.

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We're excited because we're heading into the 100% segment,

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also known as the Hondo P segment.

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Well, we kind of want to open up this segment by saying,

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Christian, I actually feel like we've thrived during this season.

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We have.

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And it's really been good.

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We were just saying how much we enjoy each other's company, how you're my best friend.

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And it hasn't been that we haven't had disagreements.

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Right.

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It's not that we haven't had, even today, we kind of had a bit of disagreement.

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We did.

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Talked about it.

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Yep.

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Both came to each other.

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I was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

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Right.

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Just getting ready for the marriage talk.

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But we didn't sweep anything underneath the carpet.

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We talked about it.

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That's right.

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So then we began to ask ourselves, why have we thrived during this challenging and stressful

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season?

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So, Christian, let me ask you, why do you think we thrive during this challenging and stressful

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season?

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I love that.

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It's a great question.

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You know, I think a lot of it has to do with our story.

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And we got married older and I knew what life was without you.

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You knew what life was like without me.

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I think that allowed us to come into our marriage with a deep gratitude.

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And I think the gratitude has really led us to this.

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And that is, we really give 100% to our marriage every day.

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So true.

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So I would say the reason we've thrived is because gratitude has provoked in us to give

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100%.

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And what I mean by 100% is every day we're choosing to love.

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Every day we're choosing to prefer.

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Every day we're leaning to the other person.

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We're intentionally showing empathy and compassion.

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We're very slow to react, quick to listen.

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There's a patience that you and I consistently give one another.

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And there's just a joy in our enjoyment of each other.

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We enjoy each other.

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We laugh at each other's jokes.

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And we're giving 100% of ourselves to the marriage.

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There's not a half-hearted approach to who we are in our participation or engagement.

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Neither one of us has ever checked out of our marriage.

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We're daily committed because we're daily saying, I give you all of who I am.

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And that doesn't ever lessen, no matter what.

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And you know, a really practical way that I've seen this manifested in my own life is

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just as a woman for me, I really had to make sure I was giving 100% in my communication.

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And what I call that is mean what I say and say what I mean.

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And what I really mean by that is I'm very honest about how I'm feeling about things,

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how things affect me.

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And I'm really choosing vulnerability and authenticity and my marriage.

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I'm not just doing or saying maybe what feels safe.

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I'm actually saying, hey, you know what, maybe I shouldn't be feeling that way.

322
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But if I'm really honest, I am feeling this way.

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Can we talk about that?

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And you're incredibly safe to be able to do that with.

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You're very compassionate.

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You're kind.

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You've created a safe space for me to be able to do that.

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But I think it's really important because it's really in our marriage had honest communication

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where I'm not making you guess how I feel.

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I'm not making you try to figure out where I'm coming from.

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And then on the flip side of that, if I say, hey, Sean, I forgive you or you say,

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Christa, I forgive you, there is a mean what you say, say what you mean.

333
00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:02,320
We're letting it go.

334
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We're moving on.

335
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,040
There's not a rehash of that.

336
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There is a I forgive you.

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00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:11,200
We're moving forward and we're committed daily to continue to grow in our marriage.

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I 100% agree with that.

339
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And that is facts.

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As you were talking about giving it 100%, I love that.

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00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:21,760
And I feel like part of that given it 100%, Christa, is it you have to give your marriage

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00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:23,680
more attention than your hobbies.

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And in that, I think we've had more time, but part of those stats are telling us that maybe

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we've not invested that time intentionally in our spouse and in our family.

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And so you have hobbies and everybody has hobbies and they have interests.

346
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And I think it's important to have those, but you have to give your marriage more

347
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,440
attention than your hobbies.

348
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Like it's funny, you can read the gospels.

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You don't know what hobby Jesus had, but you know that he had this obsession to give

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his life and lay it down for his bride, which is a church and marriage ought to be an example.

351
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It ought to be a picture to the world of how Jesus loved the church.

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And so I'd say, Hey, neglect the whole world rather than each other.

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Like put other things down, shut off the cell phone, cut off the Netflix, whatever you got to do,

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get that quality time, look in your spouse's eye.

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And I think one of the things that we've done is that we've taken time and we made sure

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that we give our marriage more attention than our hobbies.

357
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:18,400
I love that.

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00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:22,560
You know, it is so key what we're talking about because if our Keep It One,

359
00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:26,320
how to try really grabs ahold of what we're sharing today, I really feel like there's just

360
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:30,640
some foundational, fundamental things that can really change marriages today.

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00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:35,200
You know, if I added another thing to this part of the conversation, I would say a real

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00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,760
foundational thing for us is keeping it fun.

363
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,040
Keeping it fun.

364
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:44,160
Because you and I know a happy marriage, you know, has taken a seat next to the humpback

365
00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,400
whales on the endangered list.

366
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:52,000
And you and I have discovered laughter is a secret weapon of any happy marriage.

367
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:55,520
And you and I, we are like car dance party king and queen.

368
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Like we always have fun music on in the car.

369
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We have fun dance parties.

370
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,160
You're hilarious and always making me laugh.

371
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We can be really silly together.

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And we'll just cut it up and just laugh and enjoy each other, laugh at each other's jokes.

373
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And there is a funness and a lightheartedness that I think is so important for a marriage

374
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:15,360
because the world is so serious.

375
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,080
Life is serious.

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It's been a very serious and somber year.

377
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:22,480
And if you tend to be a more serious person, I want to encourage you, find out what makes

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00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:23,040
you laugh.

379
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:24,160
Get that funny movie.

380
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,520
Like get that thing that lightens you up into your life.

381
00:18:27,520 --> 00:18:32,080
And you know, I think it's important for us to have things and people in our life that

382
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:34,720
unwind us and bring out that lighter side.

383
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:38,400
And really where your family's actually seeing your full personality.

384
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:43,120
You don't want the people outside of your family enjoying actually who you are, your

385
00:18:43,120 --> 00:18:46,560
sense of humor, more than the people that you should be doing daily life with.

386
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:50,000
And they should actually be the ones enjoying that the most more than anyone.

387
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,600
So Sean and I are really intentional.

388
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,840
We laugh all the time.

389
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,440
Every day we're laughing about something.

390
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:56,960
I mean, laughing, laughing.

391
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,320
And I think that's key.

392
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,880
Laughter helps you change your emotional state.

393
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:01,360
Yeah, it does.

394
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,360
You know, it doesn't just work in babies.

395
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:04,800
It works in all humans.

396
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,400
If you can get a baby to laugh, they could be mad that they didn't get their toy or you

397
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:09,280
had to pull something away.

398
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:11,920
They weren't supposed to be playing with, but you make them laugh.

399
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,080
It's like it changes the emotional channel.

400
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:18,480
And so I think laughter, you know, the Bible says laughter do with good like a medicine.

401
00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:21,680
And it really is a medicine for a marriage that could be ailing.

402
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:24,640
And so I think that's such an important point right along the lines.

403
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:29,600
I think of one of the things that has helped us thrive during the quarantine in terms of

404
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:34,960
our marriage is that you have to be very judicial on picking your battles.

405
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:40,080
And my thing is if it's a small thing, you need to just get Queen Elsa on somebody.

406
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:44,000
And she's saying the frozen theme, let it go, let it go, let it go.

407
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,520
If it's a small thing, let it go.

408
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:50,720
Like why get all upset, like stick in the butt, you know, I mean, you're just,

409
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,880
you're just going to be grumpy all day over it.

410
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:55,520
No, not every hill is worth dying for.

411
00:19:55,520 --> 00:20:00,560
And so in the midst of that, you got to understand that your spouse is on your same team.

412
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:01,120
Come on.

413
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:06,160
I watch some sports and whenever I see a team beginning to fight with each other on the sidelines,

414
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,880
I know they lost because they're fighting the wrong enemy.

415
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,200
You're not competing against your teammates.

416
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:13,360
You're competing against the other team.

417
00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:16,320
You got to understand you and your spouse are on the same team.

418
00:20:16,320 --> 00:20:20,240
So what I mean by that is you need to fight for your marriage, not against it.

419
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:21,280
Oh, come on.

420
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:25,280
Say that you need to learn even in the midst of that, learn to fight fair, be respectful,

421
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:29,600
even when you argue, because we know that there's certain buttons and certain things you could say

422
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:30,960
that could just set off the person.

423
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,320
You got to learn to fight fair.

424
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:37,840
And also I would, I would even conclude that thought with marriage is often about fighting

425
00:20:37,840 --> 00:20:39,760
the battle between your ears.

426
00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:42,640
And what I mean by that is you got to understand, you got to resist the devil.

427
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:48,080
There's an element of spiritual warfare that sometimes it's not your spouse making you upset

428
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:48,640
and all that thing.

429
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:51,920
You got to understand the devil is piggyback and stressing your life.

430
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:56,160
And now, because you're not recognizing your fight in invisible battle, you turn it to the

431
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,160
natural and fight your spouse and that's wrong.

432
00:20:58,800 --> 00:20:59,440
So true.

433
00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:04,400
You know, the devil wants to piggyback in intensity of seasons that we're in right now.

434
00:21:04,400 --> 00:21:10,320
You know, there has been what, you know, psychologists call adaptive energy and adaptive energy is when

435
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,880
we're constantly having to adapt.

436
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,560
And because there's so much change, things are fluid, things are changing.

437
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,240
There's not a lot of certainty.

438
00:21:18,240 --> 00:21:20,080
There's not a lot of stability.

439
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:25,840
And when that is lacking, our adaptive energy is put on demand and adaptive energy actually

440
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:27,680
makes you really tired.

441
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:32,160
It makes you feel really weary and we can all agree, none of us are at our best.

442
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:33,600
We're not our most patient.

443
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:34,960
We're not the most compassionate.

444
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:39,600
We're often not the most kind when we're tired and we have to understand the tiredness, the

445
00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:41,200
weariness of this season.

446
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,680
So when you put it in perspective and when you feel the enemy throwing some arrows your way and you

447
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:51,040
can feel kind of your patients getting thin, recognize your capacity has maybe decreased

448
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:53,680
on what it was in a previous season where you had space.

449
00:21:53,680 --> 00:21:54,240
So good.

450
00:21:54,240 --> 00:22:00,000
Where you had time to yourself where you had more time, downtime, you weren't as on as much.

451
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:04,400
You weren't, we're having so much adaptive energy required in your life.

452
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:05,920
Give yourself some grace.

453
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:10,400
Maybe recognize you're not able to accomplish the same amount of work you were previously able

454
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:16,400
to accomplish, give your family more downtime versus trying to still accomplish the same

455
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:21,600
amount and you're frustrated and you're frazzled, your patience is running out and then you recognize

456
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:25,040
you're not at your best and then you wonder why there's tension in the relationships.

457
00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:28,080
We have to understand this is an unusual season.

458
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:33,280
So you have to give yourself some greater parameters so that you can actually thrive.

459
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:33,840
I love that.

460
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:34,880
That is so good.

461
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:35,360
And you know what?

462
00:22:35,360 --> 00:22:36,640
We said we're going to keep it spicy.

463
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,080
So I'm going to keep it spicy.

464
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:39,520
I'm going to throw in there too.

465
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:44,320
One of the things I believe that's helped us during this quarantine time and I believe it's

466
00:22:44,320 --> 00:22:49,040
important in any marriage is you have to enjoy an active, intimate life.

467
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:49,760
What?

468
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,400
As Marvin Gaye says, let's get it on.

469
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:52,880
Come on.

470
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:57,520
You know what I'm talking about because if you don't have an active, intimate life,

471
00:22:57,520 --> 00:22:59,440
you're going to slide in the roommate territory.

472
00:22:59,440 --> 00:22:59,920
Come on.

473
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,280
You're just sharing a house.

474
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:02,480
You're just sharing a room.

475
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:03,600
You're sharing a bed.

476
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:08,480
And yes, it is about what happens in between the sheets, as one song said back in the day,

477
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,600
but it's really about intentionally dating your spouse.

478
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:11,920
Right.

479
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,680
It's just doing something for fun.

480
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:17,120
You know, like whatever we've said many times, hey, I got to run to the mall.

481
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:17,680
You want to come?

482
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,960
Yeah, let's just go together or, hey, I've got to run some errands.

483
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,080
Would you come with me?

484
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:23,360
You want to go get something to eat?

485
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,320
Do some takeout?

486
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,160
Obviously we've done a lot of takeouts, y'all.

487
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:30,480
But I think it's so important to enjoy an active, intimate life.

488
00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:35,840
The Bible even talks about do not deprive one another except for mutual consent and to

489
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:38,000
understand your body's not your own now.

490
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:43,200
Your body also belongs to your spouse, biblically speaking, the scripture that backs that.

491
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,880
And I think it's so important, and I know men have heard this, but if you know today,

492
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:51,200
I feel like some men really need to be reminded it's more than just a physical act.

493
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,600
For women, it is emotional.

494
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:56,560
And to not be in a hurry, I think that's really important.

495
00:23:56,560 --> 00:24:02,080
There's something about lingering in the time of enjoying one another, lingering in conversation,

496
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:07,760
or just even in the silence, just lingering in the company, not being in a hurry in the act,

497
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:13,200
or even after the act, of just recognizing the importance of just enjoying one another.

498
00:24:13,200 --> 00:24:20,240
Because for a woman, it is the emotional spiritual connection that is a byproduct of the physical.

499
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:21,840
Yes, the physical act is important.

500
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:25,520
But for a woman, we're looking for that emotional connection with you.

501
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:31,440
And I would just also say, I think particularly as guys, to make sure your wife is enjoying it,

502
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:34,560
make sure that you bring pleasure to your wife.

503
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:40,800
And I just feel like, hey, let's be intentional about having a communication is what pleases you.

504
00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:43,040
What is it that brings you pleasure?

505
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:47,440
And let's do those things in a way that we're saying we prefer the other person,

506
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:49,920
even in our intimate life over ourselves.

507
00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:51,120
And I think that's so important.

508
00:24:51,120 --> 00:24:52,080
I love that.

509
00:24:52,080 --> 00:24:56,080
You know, it's keep it 100 tribe, but as always, we want to give you some takeaways.

510
00:24:56,080 --> 00:25:01,120
And today we have three takeaways about how to keep your love fresh in the midst of quarantine.

511
00:25:01,120 --> 00:25:03,200
You know, the first thing I want to bring you to the table,

512
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:08,080
just talking about keeping your love fresh and your marriage fresh is not keeping score.

513
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:13,520
So Sean and I have a core value in our marriage and in the Smith household called no scorekeeping.

514
00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:17,440
And what I mean by that is we are not comparing on who is doing what,

515
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:21,280
how many one of us is doing, or if the other one's doing this or that,

516
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,760
there is no list Sean and I are living by.

517
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:28,640
So we are recognizing each of us are putting forth effort and contributing to the marriage

518
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,240
and leaning into one another.

519
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:34,960
And yes, there are seasons where Sean might be doing more on this or I might be doing more on that,

520
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:40,640
but we refuse to keep score in the seasons because we recognize that our marriage is not one season.

521
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:44,800
It is decades, a compilation of two lives that are shared.

522
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:49,920
And in the compilation, there are going to be seasons of what it looks like in the roles

523
00:25:49,920 --> 00:25:54,960
and even the serving of one another where there's that daily leaning into one another,

524
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:58,160
but it's also going to look different in the years.

525
00:25:58,160 --> 00:26:04,880
And so here's just a really practical way is Sean and I don't harp on the mistakes of the past.

526
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:11,920
We don't hold grudges and we don't keep score in the sense of if I'm keeping a list on,

527
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:13,680
I'm doing this or I'm doing that.

528
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,960
Here's what someone told me once and I thought it was such wisdom.

529
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:20,240
If you keep score, you'll always come out on top Christa.

530
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:22,480
And that could not be more true.

531
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:26,320
You don't know all the small decisions, all the sacrifices.

532
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:30,400
You don't know the battle that your spouse is going through on that day.

533
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:35,040
You don't know all the ins and outs of all the effort they put forth just to show up that day,

534
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:40,480
to, to be present, to be home at a certain time, to, to do that thing that you asked them to do

535
00:26:40,480 --> 00:26:46,000
on that to do list or to do that thing in the house or show up to participate in this, that or

536
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,680
the other, whatever it may be.

537
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:51,840
And we have to understand if you only keep track of all your effort,

538
00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:56,320
you're going to see all those quiet, silent sacrifices, all the decisions you made.

539
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,640
And you're always going to be like, wow, look at everything I'm doing,

540
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:01,040
but you're not seeing everything they're doing.

541
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:06,080
And so if you refuse to keep score, you're allowing an atmosphere that is safe.

542
00:27:06,080 --> 00:27:10,720
Because if someone feels like they are going to fail because they're literally on a test,

543
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:12,640
it's a pass fail system.

544
00:27:12,640 --> 00:27:14,400
There, there's not a safety in that.

545
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:21,040
And, and if a lot of personalities, I know want to just quit and resign from even trying

546
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,480
because if they don't feel like they can win, they don't even want to try.

547
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,120
And if you have a score keeping culture in your marriage,

548
00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,800
you're actually creating a culture where they don't even want to try anymore.

549
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:35,360
The second thing I would add to how to keep your love fresh in the midst of quarantine

550
00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:37,520
is not having a culture of punishment.

551
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:38,080
Say that.

552
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,600
So I want to break this down real quick for you because I think this is a really,

553
00:27:41,600 --> 00:27:44,400
really fundamental aspect of Sean and I's marriage.

554
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:48,080
You know, a lot of times people are like, you guys are so fresh in the sense of,

555
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:49,520
you're so lovey-dovey.

556
00:27:49,520 --> 00:27:53,440
You know, Sean and I are really intentional about every day telling each other why we

557
00:27:53,440 --> 00:27:54,400
love each other.

558
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:56,240
And it may just be one or two things.

559
00:27:56,240 --> 00:28:01,440
Other days, it may be more extravagant than that, but there's a real appreciation and

560
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:04,400
gratitude and gratefulness to one another.

561
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:07,840
But there are days where we both do things that the other doesn't like.

562
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:09,520
We'll say things we the other doesn't like.

563
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:12,400
There are situations that happen where we're like, no, that's not my favorite thing you've

564
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:13,440
ever actually done right now.

565
00:28:13,440 --> 00:28:15,680
I don't, I'm not into that.

566
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:19,680
And yet we never change our affection to the person.

567
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:20,880
So this is what I mean.

568
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:27,360
The behavior and the culture between Sean and I of love, appreciation and even verbal

569
00:28:27,360 --> 00:28:33,520
affirmation and physical intimacy does not change based on if we like what the other

570
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:34,640
person just did.

571
00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,040
I know there's some jobs that are dropping right now.

572
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:42,560
We have a no culture of punishment, which means even if I do something that Sean doesn't

573
00:28:42,560 --> 00:28:46,720
like, I know that I can go over and give Sean a hug and he'll hug me back.

574
00:28:46,720 --> 00:28:47,920
And it's sincere.

575
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:49,520
It's not stiffed arm.

576
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,960
It's not like, you know, the arms that like aren't engaging.

577
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:55,760
It's not the awkward arms, you know, not hugging me.

578
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:57,040
It's the, no, I'm going to hug you.

579
00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:58,040
I'm going to embrace you.

580
00:28:58,040 --> 00:28:59,040
I'm going to engage.

581
00:28:59,040 --> 00:29:00,040
I'm, I still love you, Christa.

582
00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:01,680
I'm still into you.

583
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:05,200
I'm not going to be passive aggressive and I'm not going to slam a door.

584
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:06,200
I'm not going to leave a room.

585
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:10,680
I'm not going to leave the house without telling you that type of behavior is not allowed in

586
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:16,000
a no culture of punishment home because when you have no culture of punishment, it means

587
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:17,840
that Sean's never in the doghouse.

588
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:19,040
I'm never in the doghouse.

589
00:29:19,040 --> 00:29:20,320
We can have disagreements.

590
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:23,200
We can have conflict, but we're still leaning into each other.

591
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:24,200
There's still affection.

592
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:29,120
There's still appreciation and there's still even affirmation because we don't say one

593
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:33,400
situation affects each other's love or covenant to one another.

594
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,480
We're still seeing each other in the context of who we are.

595
00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:37,480
That's so true.

596
00:29:37,480 --> 00:29:40,640
And I just want to emphasize, Christa and I, we have had disagreements.

597
00:29:40,640 --> 00:29:41,640
Absolutely.

598
00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:45,800
We were just talking about today, one of our arguments and even the one we had today was

599
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,840
about the other one felt dismissed.

600
00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:48,840
Yeah.

601
00:29:48,840 --> 00:29:52,720
That maybe just in that moment, the other one said something, but you know what?

602
00:29:52,720 --> 00:29:57,400
These are core values in the Smith household, no scorekeeping, no culture of punishment.

603
00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:00,960
And now I want to give you the third, keep it 100 takeaway to keep your love fresh in

604
00:30:00,960 --> 00:30:03,880
the midst of a quarantine, no giving up.

605
00:30:03,880 --> 00:30:04,880
Come on.

606
00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:08,720
When I say no giving up, that has to always be important.

607
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:13,240
You know, right now in the NBA landscape, there were two superstars that both said,

608
00:30:13,240 --> 00:30:14,600
Hey, I don't want to be here.

609
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:15,600
I want to be traded.

610
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:20,000
Well, yesterday they both were traded for one another because why you can't have that

611
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:23,780
in the locker room that one guy is kind of wanted to be on another team, but he's going

612
00:30:23,780 --> 00:30:28,000
to play out the year because they, everyone says it would destroy the morale of the locker

613
00:30:28,000 --> 00:30:29,000
room.

614
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:32,320
And so the aspect of bouncing peace out, I'm going to walk out.

615
00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:33,320
I'm going to give up.

616
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:37,680
You got to remove that because you've entered into a holy covenant with that spouse.

617
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:42,740
And so what will help you in the no giving up is establish a marital work ethic.

618
00:30:42,740 --> 00:30:47,040
They have found that trouble couples can move towards reconciliation through counseling,

619
00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:51,720
married seminars, good books, mentoring relationships, calling up some people, getting some people

620
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,080
to speak into your life.

621
00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:56,040
Hey, take advantage of these outlets.

622
00:30:56,040 --> 00:30:58,640
This is part of establishing a marital work ethic.

623
00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:01,040
Like, Hey, let's just go to a couple's retreat together.

624
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:04,520
Hey, we're doing good, but let's sit down and have someone speaking to our lives.

625
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:08,360
Share something with some older couples or talk some godly couples.

626
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:13,640
We have the benefit of hanging around Christmas folks that have been married over 50 years

627
00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:16,960
and they're going to be spending the holidays with us, but just talking about the things

628
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,800
that they've done that have helped them.

629
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:22,920
I think the other thing in no giving up is the commitment to stay married.

630
00:31:22,920 --> 00:31:25,720
They found an interviews with couples whose marriages improve.

631
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:30,440
Some said they didn't necessarily do something extra in the area of work on their marriages.

632
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:35,800
Instead, they just stood strong or they, in biblical terminology, they endured them.

633
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,360
The couples reported that over time their problems got better.

634
00:31:38,360 --> 00:31:42,680
Now, I'm not talking about trying to outlast your marital problems through stubborn willpower,

635
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:46,840
but I am talking about a commitment to stay together no matter what.

636
00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:51,400
And when you stay together and you have that as kind of your core value, it can serve as

637
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:54,480
a foundation for finding ways to improve your marriage.

638
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:58,080
And I just want to say right now to someone, even you're thinking about giving up, don't

639
00:31:58,080 --> 00:32:04,120
give up, begin to work on it because happiness is not promised by getting free and going

640
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:05,960
and being with someone else.

641
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:09,360
Happiness is not really about how you feel.

642
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:14,680
It's about staying in a place where you've made love the choice, not the chemical.

643
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:16,240
Ooh, come on.

644
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:20,880
I love what you just dropped because when our Keep It One Heart Tribe grabs ahold of

645
00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:25,360
what's shared today, truly I believe marriages can and will be changed.

646
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:30,880
We are our prayer and our hope in this episode is that your marriage is actually transformed

647
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:34,920
through the application of what's been shared today because we believe marriages were created

648
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:38,760
to thrive even in pressure cooker seasons.

649
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:39,760
They can thrive.

650
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:40,760
Why?

651
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:45,960
Because God can utilize the most intense situations to create the diamonds and the rough.

652
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:50,760
And we want you to know that even in the pressure, God is making something beautiful.

653
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:54,280
As always, Keep It One Heart Tribe, thanks so much for tuning in, for taking the time

654
00:32:54,280 --> 00:32:57,840
to be with us every single Tuesday when a new episode drops.

655
00:32:57,840 --> 00:33:02,040
Make sure and subscribe if you haven't already so you're alerted when a new episode comes

656
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:05,120
out and continue to rate, review, and refer.

657
00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:08,440
And share links of our episodes on your social media platforms.

658
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:13,240
Let's get the word out there because we believe these episodes in this podcast can truly disciple

659
00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:15,720
people in wanting to go deeper in their walk with God.

660
00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:18,280
Check us out on www.SeanAndChristasmith.com.

661
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:21,000
Find us at Facebook at Sean and Christa Smith Ministries.

662
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:24,240
We love hearing how this podcast has impacted you.

663
00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:28,560
We want to thank you personally that we just got some stats on how many downloads we have

664
00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:30,600
from our representative for our podcast.

665
00:33:30,600 --> 00:33:35,760
And we had a record month and it is being listened to and downloaded all over the globe.

666
00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:36,760
Thank you so much.

667
00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:37,760
You guys are getting the word out.

668
00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:38,760
You're really helping us.

669
00:33:38,760 --> 00:33:39,760
So grateful.

670
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:42,720
And also Keep It One Heart, you do not want to miss next week because we're going to talk

671
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:46,160
about the one thing, one thing you need to have in your house.

672
00:33:46,160 --> 00:33:49,960
It's more important than your tree, your bread stuffing, or your presence.

673
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:52,480
And it will be the game changer this holiday season.

674
00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:56,920
So remember, relief may change your circumstance, but a revelation will change you.