God’s Mercy Rule, episode 98 (rebroadcast)

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If you love a prodigal, you can discover Help and Hope for your wilderness journey right

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here at When You Love a Prodigal podcast and also Help and Hope for your own life journey.

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In kids sports, there is often a mercy rule.

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All of my children played sports and I got used to it.

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If one team would get far ahead, the game would usually be called.

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It seems only kind and fair to not embarrass or demoralize these kids who are losing so

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badly.

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So sometimes it was if you got to seven points or if you got to ten points, then they called

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the game rather than drive it up to twenty.

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Doesn't always happen.

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In life, it rarely happens.

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There is no mercy rule.

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No rescue from your losses, your hurts, your failures.

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But in God's kingdom, there is definitely a mercy rule.

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Jesus is the one who instituted it for us.

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One word describes it.

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The word is forgive.

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Just as in the first of the mercy lessons that we looked at when the Amish people forgave

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the young man and his family, the young man who murdered their children, it was God's

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mercy rule.

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As he walked on earth, he mentioned it repeatedly.

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Here are just a few instances of what Jesus had to say.

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But go and learn what this means.

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I desire mercy, not sacrifice.

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For I have not come to call the righteous but sinners.

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Says also in Matthew, all these are from Matthew, I think.

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If you had known what these words mean, I desire mercy, not sacrifice.

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You would not have condemned the innocent.

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And another, shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?

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And then he says to the teachers of the law and the Pharisees, woe to you, you hypocrites.

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You give a tenth of your spices, your mint and dill and cumin, but you have neglected

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the more important matters of the law, justice, mercy, and faithfulness.

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You should have practiced the latter without neglecting the former.

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And then Peter came to Jesus and said, Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother

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or sister who sins against me?

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Maybe seven times even?

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Jesus answered, I tell you not seven times, but 77 times.

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That's a pretty big difference.

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But Jesus didn't just talk about mercy and forgiveness, even as he was hanging on the

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cross to deliver mercy and purchase forgiveness.

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He looked at those who were torturing him and said these amazing words.

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Father, forgive them for they don't know what they're doing.

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There he is, miserable on the cross, about to be separated from the Father as he carries

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all the sins of the world.

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And he looks at the people who are killing him and says, Father, forgive them.

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He gives mercy.

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We have the genuine model for how we relate to people, treat people, respond to them,

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extend mercy and choose to forgive.

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But I know many of you, especially if you've been listening to now four podcasts on mercy

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are saying, but how will they learn discipline and responsibility?

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How will they learn to make right choices?

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Don't they need consequences?

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Absolutely essential.

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But how you do it can make all the difference.

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If you can go about having a conversation calmly, engage them, just talk about it, affirm

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your love for them and your desire for them to become a responsible, well-functioning

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adult.

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Ask for their input on what would help them move in that direction.

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If they get to have a say in this conversation, they're much more likely to live by it.

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Outline your desires and needs going forward.

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They will be more likely to follow through if they're involved in making these decisions.

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You need to seek to maintain relationship above everything.

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You don't want to lose the relationship because then they may be gone for good and give mercy

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and grace.

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Yesterday, well, when I wrote this, I received an email from a friend whose prodigal son

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had abused her gracious and loving efforts to help him make better choices, to show respect,

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to become responsible, and hopefully to surrender to our God.

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What do we do?

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This mother asked.

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Her situation may be very different from yours.

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She has someone who was old enough to be on his own, but not old enough that he'd become

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a functioning adult, really.

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Hopefully the principles behind these suggestions that I gave her will help you with your loved

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one.

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Perhaps what I wrote to her will be helpful to you.

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So here's what I wrote to her.

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Dear Anna, not a real name, I am sorry for the continuing conflict and disrespect that

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you're having from your son.

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Yes, it's time for boundaries, expectations, and consequences, defined clearly with a timeline.

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I would suggest coming up with a list of minimum requirements if he wants to continue to live

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at home.

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Minimum doesn't necessarily mean few, but the minimum efforts at respect and contribution.

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Perhaps he pays some rent.

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He does some chores.

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In other words, he makes contributions to the home and the family.

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He becomes a contributing member.

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That's appropriate.

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Be specific in your expectations.

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We were very specific with our son and said that if he wanted to stay there, he would

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not be bringing into our home drugs, alcohol, or having sex with his latest girlfriend.

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That's a month or two timeline.

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Depends on the situation.

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He will not do it perfectly, so you have to have some grace and mercy.

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But he must make an honest effort and move forward consistently doing his part.

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If he has made good progress with a decent attitude, you might give him, say, another

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month before you make a decision if he's really getting there and making the right

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decisions.

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You might up your requirements for him or at least look for real consistency, not perfection.

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Probably you don't please God perfectly, but consistency in his efforts to follow through.

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You can present it ready for this and a conversation full of love and grace.

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It reminds him that one, he must be a contributing part of the family to live there and he must

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move toward learning to be a responsible adult.

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You can tell him you've been glad to help him in this time of transition to adulthood,

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but it is time for him to become that responsible adult.

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That can happen while he continues to live at your home.

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If he can do so as a contributing family member and demonstrating increasing personal responsibility

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and ownership of his life.

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Then, if he does not agree, it is his choice to move out, not your choice to, quote, kick

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him out.

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Or if over the month or two you give for him to make significant progress and he does not,

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it is his choice, not your choice, that he move on.

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If he leaves immediately or after failure to progress as a contributing family member,

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you must assure him of your love and acceptance and great desire for continued family relationship.

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He's welcome to come over and visit.

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He is desired at family and holiday events, but be prepared ready, be prepared to not

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hear from him for a while.

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He will be angry and want to blame you, not take responsibility himself.

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And when you do hear from him, he might have his hand out because he's desperate for some

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money.

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Sometimes, you may choose to give it to him for something that's a true specific need,

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but not on a regular basis and maybe not at all.

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Your prodigal is most likely a capable person.

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You can rightfully make reasonable requirements of them.

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If he or she has some realities that affect their ability to make good choices, you might

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have to have some adjusted requirements and expectations, and there's professional help

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available to do that.

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I hope these thoughts are helpful.

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I think grace is paramount, but it is not grace to let him remain irresponsible and

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dependent.

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It is grace to help him move toward becoming a responsible person, but always, always with

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assurances of your love and desire for relationship.

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I am praying for you, my friend.

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I ended the letter to her.

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And I'm praying for all of us who love a prodigal that God will give us his grace and wisdom

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as we seek to woo these wanderers back to him and to us, grateful, grateful, so grateful

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for the mercy that God has given so generously to us and to our loved ones.

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And again, he wants it to flow through us, that they receive mercy from us, that we follow

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God's mercy rule.

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Questions for you.

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Even have you been grateful that God gave you mercy rather than what you deserved?

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Can you consider when you can do the same for your prodigal?

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Next week, we will begin with episode 99, a two-week celebration for our hundredth episode.

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I hope you'll invite a friend to listen with you.

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Thanks so much.

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God bless you.