Recognizing Ambiguous Loss Pt 1-Pat & Tammy McLeod, episode 137

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If you love a prodigal, you can discover help and hope for your wilderness journey right

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here at When You Love a Prodigal, and also help and hope for your own life journey.

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I trust that our seven weeks of learning to live in love like Jesus really challenged

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you and blessed you and gave you new insights in the positive ways to live with, even if

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they don't live with you, your prodigal.

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Learn to love your prodigal well.

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Today we are going to go deeper into the losses each of us has experienced on this difficult

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journey.

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Our special guests are Pat and Tammy McLeod, who experienced a very difficult loss through

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their son's accident.

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We will be doing this in two parts so that we get time to really hear from them.

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So welcome, Pat and Tammy.

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Thank you.

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I'm so glad you could join us.

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I think you have a beautiful story.

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It's a very hard story, and many of our listeners are going through very hard stories too.

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And though yours is not exactly the same, it's going to be wonderful, I think.

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But let's start with just a little about your family and your life kind of in the ministry

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that you're having.

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Pat and I both became Christians through a crew in college, and then we met on a summer

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mission, fell in love, got married, and joined crew staff.

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And we worked in California for a few years and then went back to Boseman, Montana, where

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Pat studied in college and played football.

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We lived at the edge of a national forest, so in one of the most beautiful places in

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the country.

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Yes.

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All four of our kids there.

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And I know, Judy, you have a daughter there now with grandkids.

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Yeah.

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Yes, Boseman is wonderful, and I love being there.

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They just think it's great.

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All five of my grandchildren there love it.

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They all ski and fish and do all mountain climbing and stuff.

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So yeah, it's a good place.

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So I'll pick it up from there.

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In 1999, Tammy and I moved to Boston in our carousels.

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That was a switch.

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Pretty big switch.

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Yeah, we live on the busiest street in a major city, and from a place that bordered on a

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national forest to that is a big change.

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We were there for graduate school, although I sort of reluctantly, not reluctantly, but

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at least temporarily, was going to assume the role of Metro Director for Boston while

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they found someone to take it permanently.

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But that became a permanent thing, and I did continue on as a grad student.

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Tammy also did graduate studies there, and it was just when I was finishing up my own

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dissertation that our life plans were interrupted by a phone call.

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And that's the story of our book, that interruption.

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Well, I imagine that it's never easy to tell the story of Zach, even living with it these

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years.

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That's a hard story.

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I just read your entire book this weekend, and I wept through Part 7, and I know you've

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wept many tears.

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But tell us first about Zach and what he was like, and then into the accident that changed

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everything.

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Zach was easy to love.

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Zach and I had a very special bond, the mother bond, but also a deep spiritual bond.

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So we would pray together every night for people in his school.

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We would talk together about what are we learning in God's Word, what do we want to see God

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do in our lives.

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So many great connections.

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We would sing together.

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So he taught me a lot of worship songs.

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We would lead worship together.

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Right before we got this call that Pat talked about, God was doing something very special

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in Zach's life.

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He just got back from being in South Africa with our family.

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We take Harvard students and others in Boston to work in a township called Maumalodi, and

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he had just decided that he wanted to graduate from college and then move to the town.

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Oh, he wanted to drop out of high school.

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Well, he wished he could just go straight to the town.

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He thought maybe he could become a doctor and then go use his skills in the township,

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but he wanted to marry a South African and adopt 10 AIDS orphans.

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That was his plan for his life.

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So I will never forget him writing out the door one day and saying, bye, Peach.

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I love you.

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And never...

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Peach is what he called you, right?

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Yeah.

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So, never did I realize that that would be the last time that I would hear his natural

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voice.

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Yeah.

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So, later that night, Tam and I were at our first meeting of the year for the crew Boston

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Ministry.

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And it was...

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If you can imagine a auditorium packed with students who'd been away from each other all

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summer, and a lot of the meetings that we'd lead are kind of like stepping into a concert

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with a band singing, and someone came up behind us and sort of rudely interrupted our conversation

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because the meeting had just ended and we were talking to some people.

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And a friend of ours said, your son is calling and he's trying to get a hold of you.

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Both of our phones had been packed away, so we weren't getting any of his calls.

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And so he called someone that was at the meeting.

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This was our second son and our third child, Nate.

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He was home.

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We were at this meeting with our youngest son, Soren.

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And anyway, I got on the phone and Nate was panicked.

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He was almost hysterical saying, dad, why aren't you answering your phone?

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He's like, parents have been calling, coaches are calling, now the hospital's calling.

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Zach's been hurt.

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And he's being airlifted to a hospital where he's going to have to undergo some kind of

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an emergency brain surgery.

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And they need you to get permission to do this operation.

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So we jumped in the car and drove to a hospital that we didn't even know existed.

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We had to get coached there by someone on the phone to get to the hospital.

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So when we arrived, there were coaches outside waiting with very somber looks on their face.

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And the staff immediately ushered us into the emergency room, operation room, I guess,

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whatever you call that.

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And the doctor busted through the doors and explained to us very quickly and kind of impatient.

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Well, I don't know how it is.

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But anyway, he said, listen, your son has suffered a major brain injury and we have to

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open up his skull cap and extract some blood and cauterize some vessels.

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And this could result in death or he could have a full recovery or anything in between

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and what we need you to sign right here.

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And so we did as we were looking at our son still dressed in his football uniform but

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intubated and they gave us a moment just to kiss him and pray for him.

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And then they, you know, unclutch the brakes on that bed and whisked him away.

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And it was probably four hours later by maybe five that we were told by a nurse that the

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operation had been completed.

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And we went and met the doctor and he said, you know, we did what we could do and now

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we just have to wait.

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Long wait.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, it was a, it was, we soon found out that Zach survived but a portion of his brain,

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a pretty significant portion of his brain did not.

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And that sent us on a journey that we weren't expecting.

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So what a terrible thing to have happen and how you didn't have a really a clue how that

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was going to impact you.

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So what, how did this unfold then as, as Zach was quote recovering in the, from the operation

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and I know that they had to do some other surgery on him as well.

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And then what kind of hope and possibilities were they giving you?

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He had four months in an acute rehab and then he went to a brain injury school.

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But after two years, he had very little short term memory, barely any speech and right side

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weaknesses of all kinds.

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So by that point, by the two year point, we realized that what the doctor said, death

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before recovery or anything in between that we were going to have Zach in between.

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And so he wasn't going to be the same as he was.

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And people were telling us that at about the two year mark for the first two years, they

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were hopeful he could regain some things, but he never regained his short term memory

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or speech to speak of.

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Do you want to mention about how it affected shelves and the.

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We, for us, for me, especially missing his voice because of he talked all the time.

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I was so sad when I heard that he wasn't going to get his voice back again.

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But one day my daughter said to me, you think it's bad to lose a son.

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I lost a best friend.

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And so we started to see not only our own losses, but our other children's losses.

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Our sons were also close with him and to not have Zach in their lives anymore in the same

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way, because he was away all week at a residential brain injury school was very hard on them.

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He had a close connection with them.

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Yeah.

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Oh, go ahead.

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Well, I was just going to say in the book, which you wrote partner in kind of one after

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another, you talked about your whole family, the different ones and impact on them and

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missing Zach, but you also talked about the struggles you had with each other as well

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as talking to the Lord and saying how, you know, did this have to happen?

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Kind of thing.

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So give us at least a little picture, what you're comfortable with about the interactions

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and impact on family.

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Yeah, I think one of the best things that we did within probably about six weeks or

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I don't maybe it's even a little more than that, but we began to see a counselor together

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just because we were in the midst of our own grief journey and it was rough.

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And one of the things that we learned early on in that time was that when a tragedy like

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this hits a family, it doesn't just affect the relationship between each family member

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and that person who is tragically injured or experiencing some kind of loss like this,

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but it affects everyone's relationship to everyone.

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The whole family is torqued by this and we definitely experienced that.

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It was obviously tough for Tammy and I because we were having two very different experiences

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of grief and I was pretty much caught up in a comeback story, living in that story and

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very energized by the sun that we were going to hopefully get back.

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And Tammy meanwhile was kind of left alone to just grieve without a whole lot of support

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from me.

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The counseling was really helpful because the gentleman who was working with us said,

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just remember be gentle with each other.

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Say that again.

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Be gentle with each other.

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Yeah, be gentle.

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So can you go a little more Tammy into what you talked about on just how different the

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way you all processed was, how that caused conflict some, but mostly probably pain.

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Yeah.

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So I was flat on my face on my bedroom floor bawling.

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And like Pat said, he was the comeback story guy.

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And so he was always more on the cherry side and I was like, just let me grieve.

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Let me experience my pain.

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So one night at a friend's house, we got a big fight.

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He sat there telling all these fun stories about Zach and I was the only one not smiling.

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After the night, I wanted to be valid.

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I wanted my pain to be valid.

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I didn't want to sit there hearing all these great fun stories about Zach, but I wanted

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to talk about the pain.

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So we got in the car and he was like, why can't you just admit that there are great things

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about Zach?

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And I'm like, I do, but also you need to understand that there's a lot of pain.

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And so we just went back and forth sitting in the car before we drove away.

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And then I even remember saying that night, you think that I'm somehow less spiritual

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just because I'm grieving the loss.

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As I was just so frustrated, I even brought that aspect of it into the mix.

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And I don't know if Pat wants to share anything else about that fight.

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But we decided to take our big conflicts to save those for counseling because if we would

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do them in front of a counselor, we would have a lot better conversation about it instead

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of sitting in a car going back and forth.

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So that became our pattern.

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We already had a pattern weekly date nights.

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We already had a pattern of not talking about tough things after 9 p.m.

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But we added a new one, saved their really tough conflicts for counseling.

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And I think that was excellent, really.

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That sounds wise.

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I know that in our audience, there's a lot of extra conflict that they haven't had before

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when all of a sudden a child or a loved one is making decisions that impact everyone.

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And almost always, a husband and wife process things differently.

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That's one way you got together is that you process things differently.

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And so that, you know, you're pain and you're thinking he's not caring or very spiritual

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and you're like, can't you believe in hope for the future?

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He's going to recover.

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Those are not unusual kinds of attitudes.

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And so the counselor certainly is an important help to get an objective and wise person to be

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guiding you in that or referring whatever is needed.

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So but Pat, he wasn't getting better.

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It became clear, especially after the second thing that happened that he wasn't going to.

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And how did that hit you?

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I mean, I know it's hard.

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I think, you know, that when I think about my life as a man who grew up in a family that

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both my parents were coaches.

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And it wasn't simply that I had never been taught how to agree, but I'd actually been

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taught not to grieve.

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To show no visible sign of weakness when you're hurt.

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That's kind of the one an axiom that was floated around our house a lot to be tough, to not

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whine and, you know, to stay instead focused on things that are positive.

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And this is kind of the rule of life.

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And then, you know, I'd never seen my dad cry until his dad, my grandfather, passed

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away and I'd said, shed one tear and that was it.

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And then I became a Christian in college.

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And the one place where I had seen someone shed a tear, a funeral, the funeral of my

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grandpa had been turned into a celebration of life.

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And I'm like, well, you know, so, you know, even as a Christian, I hadn't like, I was

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never really taught how to grieve.

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In fact, I was kind of, I feel like taught not to grieve at all.

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And so, yeah, it didn't come natural.

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It still doesn't.

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I don't think for me to go there.

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But when I finally did and things started to flow out of me like tears, it and my eyes

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would be leaking, you know, like I felt like poison was coming out of me, that all this

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energy and emotion that was inside of me needed to come out.

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And then it did.

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Praise God.

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I mean, that's, that's really important.

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And I'm sure that is more common with, with men than with women that they're told not

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to let their emotions have any opportunity to express themselves.

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And so I'm grateful that God gave you the ability for tears to come and be cleansing.

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That is one of their roles.

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So Tammy, tell me about reading about ambiguous loss.

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Yeah.

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When it became clear that Zach wasn't going to have a full recovery, I started reading

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grief books and I realized these don't really apply to me because my person is still alive.

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So yeah, I finally just called the rehab hospital where Zach stayed and asked, what is the term

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of the kind of loss we're dealing with because I want to write about it in grad school.

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And they got back to me the next day and said, the term for your loss is ambiguous loss.

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And I had never heard that term before, but I ordered the book by Pauline Boss and

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Coin the term, right?

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Yeah.

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She coined the term.

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She's worked in the field for 60 years now and is the expert on this area.

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So I just devoured her books and I thought, finally, I feel understood.

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So it was super helpful for me.

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So can you give just an explanation of that?

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Yeah.

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So ambiguous loss, there's two types.

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The first type is when you don't have the person, but you psychologically have them in

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your mind, so it could be kidnapped, kids, terrorist attacks, divorce, adoption, immigration,

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things like that.

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Or it could be a person who has chosen not to relate.

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Yeah.

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But they're just no conduct.

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Right.

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And then the other side, the other type would be the type we were left with where you have

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the person, but they're not the same.

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So not only brain injury, but Alzheimer's dementia, mental illness, addictions, things

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like that.

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So we're going to be continuing the following week with more to get because you have some

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interesting things you've discovered.

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But at this point, would you give us just a little picture of what Zach was like and

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what was happening in his life during this time?

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First of all, spiritually nothing changed.

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He just stayed close to Jesus.

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It's just awesome.

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I remember when you told the story of he got out of the bed and was on the side of the

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bed praying.

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Wow.

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That was a terrifying moment.

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I mean, he had just been put on the floor after coming out of a second major brain surgery.

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And I came in and he was gone.

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And I was like, oh my goodness, what happened to my son?

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And I panicked.

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I looked in the bathroom.

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I thought maybe it got not to go to the bathroom with all these cords attached to him.

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And there was no one in there.

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And I ran back out in the hall to see what the heck was going on.

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But then I went and here he was on the other side of the bed kneeling praying.

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And I mean, he had really just come out of the ICU.

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But he loves the Lord.

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And that was pretty common.

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That's still common for Zach.

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I mean, he prefers kneeling when he prays.

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And so it doesn't matter where he is, even though he can't walk safely or get up safely.

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If he decides he wants to pray, he just gets on his knees and prays.

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Yeah, right now he wears a gate belt.

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So we have to hold him every single step he takes.

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And he has 24-7 care around the clock.

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He has three shifts.

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People work with him for eight hours and then rotate.

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And so they're sitting with him all night long to walk him to the bathroom and things

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like that.

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So his body is in rough shape on the right side, but he can still walk.

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He just limps a little bit.

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Like I said, he has barely any speech and barely any short-term memory that hasn't changed

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at all.

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We're now at year 15.

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So there hasn't been any change since about the second year.

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But his soul as well.

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Church, people like watching him worship more than almost anything else.

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So he has a big smile on here.

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That is just awesome.

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Well next week, when we're together with our listeners again, you're going to get to hear

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some stories of what God has done and how he has brought some healing not to Zach's

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brain, but to things, the life that they're having together.

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And you're going to learn more about some practices that they have undertaken that have

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helped and just the whole family having to be open and honest about what they're going

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through.

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And so we're going to close out for this time.

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And we'll be back next week to finish our conversation.

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And I hope that you come because you've heard just a bit of the hardness of what has happened.

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And though probably your experience isn't this because your loved one is probably still

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alive, but there are lots of ways that they're lost to you still.

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And I believe that Pat and Tammy and their family and Zach have some really hope to offer

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us.

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And so don't miss next week.

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Pat and Tammy, thank you so much.

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I'm just, again, I'm still reeling a little from reading your book just a couple of days

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ago.

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And so it's all very fresh to me, and I'm just sad for the loss that you've experienced

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and the hard things and the unfulfilled dreams and that kind of thing.

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And yet I'm thrilled to see what God is doing in Zach's life, but in yours as well.

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Because God's not wasteful.

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He doesn't let even the most difficult, challenging things we experience go to waste.

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He does things that surprise us and change us on the inside and give us a way to touch

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other lives as well.

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Thank you so much.

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And we'll see you all next week.

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Thank you, Judy.

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Be sure to check out the show notes.

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I've included some resources from Pat and Tammy for you that might help you on your

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lost journey.

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We're also giving away three copies of their book.

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Hit hard.

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I read this to prepare for my conversation with them.

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It was hard to read, and yet it was so helpful at the same time.

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And I think you would love it.

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Well, maybe not love it, but you would get a lot out of it.

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Instructions for being in the drawing for those books are in the show notes.

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I know this was a challenging session for many of you.

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I pray that God will give you comfort, hope, wisdom in your journey.

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And don't forget to join us next time to hear the rest of what they have to say.

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God bless you.